You Can't Unsee Me!
by BleachmyNARUTO
Summary: Happy Halloween from Gagadriel, Village-People Thranduil, Haldir the Pope and the Unseen. When Orc Scouts threaten the skinniness of Elves, four much rise and train the crack-addict king. Special visits from...places... For Lily Noir and all my reviewers!


**_Warning: This story contains spoilers to "We Are Unseen's" plot. Also, this is the first Crack/Parody I have ever done. IN MY LIFE. I hope you like it!_**

**_Disclaimer: I own none of the cult classics, movies, music, comedy or book series._**

It was a just a normal day in Mirkwood. The autumn sun was shining merrily in the cloudy blue sky, displaying fun colors that heralded the dawn. All was normal. The morning was alive with the howls and screams of TERROR!

"Run away!" one elf cried as she ran into Sexy Bitch Legolas, dressed impeccably in his green and brown junk cup and fantastically supported nut huggers. He flexed his muscles, and all the forest creatures fainted.

"What? They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!" He cried.

The elf lady began to bernie in despair. "The Orcs are trying to sell us cookies!"

_"Nnnnnnooooooo!"_ One thousand elves gathered and cried out, breaking out of the morning routine of "Gangnam Style."

"Where is my fabulous father?" Sexy Bitch cried, his cup swinging out in the air, "He shall protect us from such evils! They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

"Yo, Sexy Bitch," the cloncking of coconuts was heard as Thranduil, dressed beautifully in his Village People Indian outfit, trotted up with Galion-One-Hell-Of-A-Butler at his side. He dismounted his invisible elk and swaggered like a champion over to his son. He bopped his mouth in the formal greeting.

"Move, ho," Thranduil tossed the elf lady aside and shoved his face next to Sexy Bitch's and took a selfie with his four-foot Iphone. His shutter frame glasses sparkled.

Suddenly! Out of nowhere Thorin Oakenshield, resplendent in his He-Man loin cloth showing off his baby sling with Beorn on his chest-nope, wait, naw, it's just his chest hair-ran up and cut off Thranduil's hair up to his chin with Orcrist.

"What now,**_ bitch?_**!" He thumped his chest and pelvic-thrust the Elvenking to the ground, suddenly interrupted from his Instagram alert, and ran away. His twelve dwarf pets following on their chains, singing, "What does fox say? _WA-PA-PA-PA-POW!"_

A very tiny person followed, meekly echoing the chorus. A tall gray paedophile followed after the tiny person, and some gross thing, also gray with the most Kawaii eyes EVAR! followed as well. The two stopped momentarily to make out before they continued to follow the little person.

Cleavon Little walked up with Madeline Kahn on his elbow. "Vat was daaaaat?" She drawled in her thick German accent, placing a well-manicured hand on her lingerie'd hip.

"I don't know," replied Cleavon with his eyes wide and shaking his head, "but I hate it."

Thorin ran up and cut his head off.

Cleavon's head thumped to the ground. He looked up at Madeline from the ground, who still held his elbow. "Ya'll go on ahead," he said as his neck stump spurted blood all over the place, but magically never hit Madeline. "I got a cramp, but I'll catch up later." He winked charmingly, but Cleavon's body reared up a leg and sent his old head flying out to the forest, only to be caught by a giant spider from Dol Guldur.

All was silent. The Psy-Elves stood with their mouths agape, slicking down the cut-off tuxedo that bared their Valar-blessed hairy legs.

"Well, shit." Said Sexy Bitch Legolas, "They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!"

Thranduil saw the ends of his hair, (which is just plain wrong no matter what the conditions) and screamed out, "WHERE'S MY SWEET TRANSVESTITE?" He clawed at the fallen hair, his unshaved legs thrashing in their stiletto heels.

"There, there." All began to pat Thranduil. Galion held out a Dr. Frank-n-Furter plushie, and Thranduil humped it in despair.

"Oh, no!" gasped Tauriel, "There's totally sexual tension between me and Sexy Bitch Legolas, even though Peter Jackson swears otherwise, but without the king's royal hair, he's powerless! Mirkwood will go broke because we will be unable to resist those fascist little shits! And we'll get _FAT!_"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOO!" Mirkwood took a breath and used their Valar-blessed lungs, "Gasp: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOO!"

The crack of a whip resounded in the air, followed by electric violin playing the British National Anthem that blasted from a stage that erupted from the realm of Namo, the awesome bitch who's totally a Hades rip-off. (Yeah, Tolkien, real original).

In a shower of smoke and fireworks emitting from their bras, the Unseen appeared before the Elves. Emilie Autumn put down her violin and gave Alyx the Bunny a kiss on the cheek as she stepped off the stage in her high-heeled combat boots to link arms with Cleavon Little-Headless's other elbow.

From the center of the stage there was the silhouette, dark and imposing in its figure, the dark points of the chair thrusting up to the sky, threatening any who dared approach it.

An extremely attractive (and short) Batman (she was not Batgirl, goddammit! God, people have no eyes!) stepped forward and crowed, "All hail Loki, rightful King to the Iron Throne under the Mountain!"

Thorin ran up the stage, completely enraged, "AW HAIL NO, BITCH," Thorin snap-laddered, "He is sooo not sexy enough to lead-!" he was shortly joined by Daenerys Tarchicyen, her left boob bared in the manner of the Quartheans. Her three little fire-breathing (not really fire; she was on hallucination-inducing drugs that changed her sense-perception, so that smells became sights, and her old-ass knight kept feeding them spicy cinnamon gum, and no one had the heart to tell her otherwise) chickens. Her thumb popped out of her mouth, and the skeleton of her ex-husband Drogo, Frodo's father, Khal of the Dothraki sea, rattled. _"Nooo!_ It's _mine_! _Dracarys_!" She aimed a chicken at Thorin, not understanding why he wasn't burning...

Loki laughed, as did a second silhouette sitting on his lap.

Far behind the crowd of Elves looking back and forth from Thorin to Daenerys then back to Loki, the sexy bastard of Jotunheim, lay Thranduil, completely forgotten. His humping frenzy had now abated some, and he breathed out a little bit only to suddenly be hoisted in the air by Chyann the She-Hulk, dressed in her too-small Merida (IRELAND AND SCOTLAND ARE NOT THE SAME, FOLKS! Be warned...) dress that strained against her too-big lady lumps. She shook him like a British nanny, growling in her thick southside black girl accent, "Boy, you better be no be pussy!" She body-slammed him hard to the ground, where he panted heavily, his nearly empty brain spinning. Upon trying to rise to his feet, a long lash fell on his fishnet-covered back and he howled like, well, a total pussy.

The whip wrapped around his neck, and Alyx the Bunny shoved her face in his. "Let's get down to business! Somehow, I'll make you a man in seven minutes!"

Thranduil stared at her as if she were the dawn. Indeed, her cleavage (for if the butt is the moon, the boobs are the sun, or stars...whatever) was hoisted three inches above their regular level with her shiny black corset. She spun on her eighteen-inch heels that would make Tim Curry proud and paced a few feet away from the starstruck king. "Thine true enemy approaches." She pointed her whip at the Iron Throne. "Reclaim your power and cast off your false extensions to claim the True Weave!"

Still in shock, he opened his mouth and sang:

_"I hope you don't mind_

_I hope you don't mind..."_

She turned back to him, her leather squeaking.

_"That I put down in words_

_how wonderful life is_

_now that you're in the world..."_

Alyx the Bunny and Thranduil approached each other slowly, their eyes never leaving each others' until Poison Ivy Chardonnay dumped 13 liters of ice water on them from up on a ladder. They shrieked and leapt into each others' arms in surprise.

Poison Ivy Chardonnay looked at the camera and grimaced. "Darn it. That had the opposite effect I was going for..."

She looked down, her red hair strung with little bit of pot. "Ay, Alyx! We still have eight more routines to do, remember?"

Her face blue with cold and makeup running, Alyx looked up and said, "Oh, yeah, call Megan. (chatter chatter)."

The Unseen lined up, hands on their hips as they scowled in seriousness. "Let's get down to business! To defeat...the Orc Scouts!" They held up the Legendary Products that glimmered in the sky.

Thranduil gulped.

**Meanwhile...**

Dany gasped, "You are Blood of the Chicken!" Her foundation that was supposed to make her look older crackled as she smiled in insane delight. Drogo rattled on the ground. Thorin grimaced in disgust.

"I shall give you my chickens to help you reclaim your throne! I just want to share, okay?"

Thorin nodded, wide-eyed. "Suuuuure...Kay bitch..."

Daenerys ran up to the front of the stage, her tiny boob making Loki wince, and she held up all three of the tiny chickens. She smiled, her two-front teeth missing, and was about to say "Dracarys", when a freckled green hand thumped her hard enough to break her shoulder. Dany turned, a scowl on her face, "What do you want, _Merida_?"

The crowd of Psy Elves gasped and took twenty steps back as quickly as possible. For a moment, Chyann hung her head, and Dany smirked in triumph until the giant shadow of Smaug loomed over her.

_"I'M __**BOUDICA**__, YOU STINKIN' __**BITCH**__ IN YO TOO-BIG BRITCHES. And guuuurl, what is with dat SHIT on yo face?!_" She threw her head up to Smaug with her red hair flying. "We's havin' skinny bitch-ass chickin' tonight!"

Smaug opened his mouth and fired.

Thorin stared wide-eyed as Thranduil began to strut over with something...different about him.

But what?

"Oi," said the second person on Loki's lap. 'Twas Gabriel Iglesias, Lord Fluffy! And Keeper of the Sacred Tacos! He continued his "Hot and Fluffy" Comedy Central special routine as The Crocodile Hunter with his completely authentic Australian accent, "'Ow you doin?"

From the bottom of the stage, Chardonnay, covered and red with her literal Poison Ivy costume next to Alyx, dressed in the tight leather and high-heeled boots of her ass-whooping trade, cried, "We ARE SO GOOD!"

Chyann started screeching in delight.

"You see 'im?" He jerked his close-cropped head towards Thranduil, "Look o'er dere! Dat dere's the Elvenking, one of the most dangerous people in all the planet! One order and I'll be feathered like a goose!" Fluffy looked at Thorin and pointed. "He pissed him off. Haw haw haw haw haw!" He and Loki looked each other lovingly in the eye and they smooched sweetly. Everyone _awwwwww'_ed.

Slowly, Thorin faced Thranduil in terror as the Elvenking slowly pulled off his weave, his scalp glowing too much to be believed, while in the background, Alyx was using her whip and Chardonnay her poison ivy to align the Psy Elves in Zydrate Anatomy formation, and had them singing Amanda Palmer songs. Back on the Stage of Namo, Graverobber, dressed as the Joker, and Megan, still as Batman were circling and singing.

The extensions came off, and Thorin screamed like a little bitch as the Biggest, Most Awesomest, Voluptuous BLONDEST ASS **_'FRO_** DE WORLD HAD EVER BEHELD! came forth from Thranduil's previously well-shorn hair.

Unable to stand before such beauty, Thorin and his twelve other dwarves were completely incinerated, and Fluffy was blinded by the pure _SASS_ of it all. He was okay. Just meant he had to feel his way through Loki...ho ho ho...

Loki helped his one true love to his tiny feet, his Hawaiian shirt rustling. The Adopted Prince bowed. "That dreadfully uncomfortable chair is all your's, your Sassy Majesticness."

Fluffy curtsied. "Oh my Gawd, yes! A-Haw-haw-haw-haw."

Gabriel and Loki nose-pookied as they were guided off the stage. Everyone _awwwwww'_ed.

"That is one Brokeback Mexican, yes he is!" The four Unseen cheered.

Thranduil was helped to be arranged in his new chair by Megan, Chyann and Chardonnay and Alyx, who all had to climb up the gargantuan hair sit on top to keep it from brushing the rigging of the stage too closely.

Thranduil took another swig of his Victory Crack-Wine and hiccuped. "Annnnnndu nowuuuuuu, zozes 'ittle shzits cahn't git in 'ere. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe hehehehehehehe, " he smiled and gittered in place, his face completely red and eyes unfocused. He crossed his long hairy legs and scratched his unibrow until it came off and wiggled away. He looked up at the Unseen who sat perched atop his _**FRO**_, but they shrieked and clung on for dear life as the hair shifted.

Sexy Bitch ran up. "Sir! Sir! Big Daddy Thrandy, thou new _**FRO**_ is not preventing the Orc Scouts from approaching!" He conspicuously had Tauriel's bright pink lipstick all over his face.

Chyann looked at Megan at the top of the _**FRO.**_ "Guuurl, I thought you's said dat if we fixed dis dude's hurr we'd save dis goddamn forest. You had dat Prophecy Shit goin down!"

"I have throat cancer," Megan rasped, suddenly having a hard time speaking, "you just didn't understand me."

In a fit of rage, Chyann She-Hulk sent Megan down to the bottom of the stage, but Megan Batman was caught by Azog the Defiler in a tight tux and was carried off over his shoulder.

Thranduil stared at Azog's bum hungrily as it swayed away quickly.

"Ay!" Tauriel pulled out her lazer from her baggy cow jumpsuit, "That was an Orc! Shoot him!"

"Nooowuuu!" Thranduil surged his feet, his **_FRO_** rising with him to squish the Unseen to the ceiling. They squealed in agony. "Let ma people go!" He threw his arms out in a flourish before he collapsed to his back.

Sexy Bitch asked of no one in particular, "Soooo...what do we do now?"

Up on the rigging came the call of Chardonnay. "Psy Elves! Link up!"

A brief, Elf-ladder later the Unseen were down in the middle of the stage.

"Great, She-Hulk," Chardonnay poked her fellow Green Sister with a long branch of Poison Oak. "We lost Megan to a hot horny Orc!" She turned to Alyx the Bunny and looked at her eighteen inch heels. Chardonnay pointed at Thranduil, shit-faced and browless. "Can't you stomp on him and wake him up?"

"Ain't nobody got time for dat!" Chyann complained. "We still gots Lord of the Rings to cover!"

Chardonnay and Alyx gasped, "The Fascist Shits!" The whip cracked in the air, and all of Mirkwood turned as the scouts approach with their wagons of doom and carbs.

The Psy Elves shuddered. "Eeeeeewwwwwww!"

The Orc Scouts with their too-tiny uniforms, obviously torn from boy scouts strpped over the hedge of Mirkwood. On the stage Thranduil was farting, some part of him sensing the carbs that could ruin the image of the Elves forever.

The Psy Elves screamed and scattered.

The Orcs, at first look, were rather angelic-looking. Their perfectly moist and rotting skin was the envy of the Uruk-Hai,and their balds heads had no lice or unruly hair to deal with. "REDRUM! REDRUM" was their battle cry, and in the back, Lady Gagadriel, completely uncontested now that Thranduil could not counter her power her power, rose up and began to sing:

"NAMARIE BITCHEEEEEES. NAMARIE BITCHES~!"\In respones, the Orcs lined up and began to YES as they passed out the cookies to the vulnerable Elves...

Celeborn followed meekly, totally pussy-whipped, and he and Haldir the Pope gazed longingly at each other.

Up on the roof the of stage, after Azog had dressed her up like a little puppy-pikachu hybrid ("You are too adorable!"), Megan had successfully escaped.

She stuffed the ammo into the bazooka with the greatest speed one could accomplish and crouched down. Peering down the two-foot stage drop, she took careful aim at Gaga. "Fire!"

The chocolate exploded and flowers rained down upon the unholy host, catching fire as everything in Mirkwood burned for Halloween.

Middle Earth didn't even make it to the Fellowship of the Ring Timeline...

The grandfather closed the old dictionary passed down for generation and looked to his grandson. "And that's the definition of 'How to meet Life.'"

The grandson titled his head. "What do you mean?"

"It means 'Fuck you.'"

**Alright, Kiddies, if you are not familiar with the following references, you might just be a little lost. After reading this crack fic, feel free to look up the following if unfamiliar (Note, these are not in order of appearance, but I'll have whether or not they impact the story heavily or not):**

**"Repo! The Genetic Opera." (medium {Strongly recommended, but not truly necessary )**

**"The Rocky Horror Picture Show." (Important)**

**The Village People (medium. Just think the gay YMCA guys)**

**Emilie Autumn (medium)**

**"Monty Python and The Holy Grail." (Important)**

**"Brave" (mild)**

**Boudica (mild, all you really need to know is that she's an Irish Queen who kicked Rome's ass way back in the day)**

**Gabriel Iglesias's "Hot and Fluffy" Comedy Central Special. (UBER IMPORTANT)**

**"Blazing Saddles" (Very Important)**

**Game Of Thrones/ A Song Of Ice And Fire series (Google Daenerys, at least)**

**Loki (preferably the Marvel version) (mild)**

**He-Man (mild)**

**Iphone parodies (mild)**

**Parodies of Thranduil in general (mild)**

**Gangnam Style (medium)**

**"What Does Fox Say?" (mild-it's pretty self-explanatory)**

**"Mulan." (mild)**

**Amanda Palmer's "Ukulele Anthem" (Mild, look up on )**

**"Blurred Lines" (mild)**

**"The Two Towers" (mild)**

**"The Hobbit" (mild)**

**"The Silmarillion" (Meh...)**

**"Moulin Rouge" (medium)**

**We Are Unseen (medium)**

**Miles Jay on (I love that ****_Guuuurl_****)**

**I love Loki and Fluffy. They're the top two men I want to marry 3**

**The reason for the abrupt ending is because I havn' been able to develop the plot, and I didn't manage my time properly. :/. Soooorry...**

**Reviews are welcome. :)**

** Happy early Halloween**

**-BleachmyNARUTO**


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